so i’ll post this here. because it’ll be in the open, and it’ll be given a chance to go unnoticed.
i feel lonely tonight. im sad. maybe ive just been sticking these feelings in the box in the corner of my mind, but i guess its opening.
two friends sent me really old pictures. one from when i was 19.
where i consider my “dark” area in my life.
and the other at 20. two different people. two different lives. happy at 20. turned around. I had my dog. shaggy.
that was the second picture. im not sad they sent it, im happy they did.
but im just tired of people/pets i love dying.
from the beginning of last october to this october has been a hell of a yeah.
my uncle with his cancer thinking he was going to live, he got better. he did. and then it got worse. and then the hospice. no longer recognizing him.
six months later, on the date, my great uncle dies.
all while taking care of my grandmother whos very old. and i worry so much about her. i worry everyday about her…
and then 3 months later little theodore… my boy. i miss you. so much. you and shaggy. the only thing i have ever truly and fully loved without fear.
everything with such sadness and heaviness. laying there. numb.
i wish i wasnt so guarded. im having trouble opening up. writing this down. so short and dry.
id rather people think im a bitch and cold, then to share the real parts of me.